


The Duncan Method

by Katsala



Series: The Trouble With Time Turners [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Ernie is just weird and awkward, F/F, F/M, Luna and Draco friendship, M/M, Percy Weasley is a giant ball of repressed weird and awkward, Some weird bits snuck in where they talk about their feelings and shit, Time Travel AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-05-14 00:05:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5722162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katsala/pseuds/Katsala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time Travel fix-it fic, second in series. Fifth year, taking a bunch of liberties. Read the first story before this one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Eight years ago, Percy Weasley had not known that his end would come in Wales, in an underground holding cell in Cardiff with the rest of the Ministry officials who worked there during the war, carried aloft on six-inch heels and heralded by the words, "Alright, shitheads, let's see who's guilty."

He had been so young, then. So naive.

Nails scratched down his back. "This," Audrey whispered next to his ear, "is a really bad idea."

He couldn't remember if he had kissed her or she kissed him this time. He couldn't remember when she'd ended up with her back pressed to the filing cabinet with her legs wrapped around his waist. He had forgotten, if only for a moment, that they were at work, and she was a colleague, and they were having sex at work in public AGAIN, and Ernie had only gone to get his jumper back from where he'd left it in row F-19 and would be back any second-

Audrey's tongue was in his ear and Percy's brain decided to shut up.

Then everything went gold and stretchy and the world tasted like jazz music and smelled like Luna Lovegood.

 

* * *

 

 

This is every nightmare Percy has had since he was eleven years old: sitting in the Wizengammot, everyone's eyes pinned on him, clearly waiting for the answer to a question he had never heard.

It takes him exactly six seconds to realize it isn't a dream. His entire body feels wrong and small, like accidentally putting on a pair of Charlie's trousers, and there is nausea curled up in his stomach. He is seated next to the (former, if his memory serves correctly) Minister of Magic ("Just call me Fudge, Weasley, there's no need to be so formal.") and staring down at the accused, a teenaged boy with messy hair and crooked glasses- Harry Potter.

Percy makes a very small, undignified squeaking sound. "I have to go do something important now." He stands up, spins around, and away Apparates like a bat out of Hell.

 

* * *

 

  
Draco, Luna, Neville and Weasley are sitting in the living room playing cards when the front door of Grimmauld Place crashes open to reveal a soaking-wet, dark-skinned young woman in six-inch heels and a pantsuit looking absolutely livid. "Malfoy, you little shit, what the hell did you do?"

"Why do you assume it's my fault?" Draco manages to say before the portrait of Mrs. Black starts screaming (again, for the fourth time today.)

In the absolute chaos that follows, he is convinced he'd seen Luna looking at his cards. 


	2. Chapter 2

Audrey adores Molly Weasley on a deeply personal level. Within half an hour Harry and Mr. Weasley are back, her clothes are dry, sleeping arrangements are made, and the gang sans Ernie is nestled up in Harry and Ron's room with a platter of cheese sandwiches and a pitcher of lemonade. Molly Weasley is the most efficient-no-nonsense-heartwarmingly-maternal-badass superwoman in the entire UK, possibly the world. If Audrey weren't the only one here straight as a board, she would absolutely be dueling Mr. Weasley for Molly's hand. Sadly, she has a much more important task at hand.

"Nice glasses, four-eyes," she snarks at Harry, flicking the lenses. She snaps her fingers in Malfoy's general direction and he tosses her a sandwich. "Explain what happened. Short version, small words, I was at the pub before this, kinda tipsy."

"Luna, Draco and I were running an experiment with the Time Turners and the Veil, a bunch of them broke, and now we're stuck in 1996," Ginny says, at the same time Percy squeaks, scandalized, "It's eleven in the morning, Audrey!"

"That," Audrey announces through a mouthful of bread, "is absolutely hilarious." Harry brushes crumbs out of his hair. The corners of Luna's mouth twitch up. "Where's Ernie?"

"Presumably the same place he was before he was sent back. Ernie hasn't come 'round before, so he can't get through the Fidelious charm, and besides that he can't Apparate or use magic now, since he's got the Trace again. We'll have to wait for him to contact us, though, because we can't be sure he's actually been sent back yet. Luna and Malfoy arrived a week before the rest of us, and we've been around since the beginning of last school year."

Audrey leans over to Percy and whispers, "It's so weird seeing her without the afro."

"She was much shyer back then as well, it is rather disconcerting."

"I don't think you can say 'back then' anymore."

"No, you can't," Luna agrees, also whispering. "I would suggest 'in the original timeline.'"

"Is this a new timeline, though? Or is it the same original timeline only altered?"

"According to our research this is a new timeline in an alternate dimension from our own," Draco hisses quietly.

"Are you sure?" Percy whispers, sounding interested.

"Not really. Hey, do you remember anything that's changed, though?" Harry whispers. "The newspapers were different, and I know Ginny sent you letters. Oh, and Neville got you and Ernie to-"

Neville makes an incredible leap off the bed, over the sandwiches and lemonade to land in front of Harry, and slaps his hand over Harry's mouth.

"What? What did you do?"

Ginny starts sniggering softly. "It was great, Dobby got tons of pictures-"

Neville throws his leg out, pushing Ginny over, and puts his free hand over her mouth, ending up in the splits.

"Neville what did you do?!"

"WHY IS EVERYONE BLOODY WHISPERING!" Ron shouts. Hermione's head is in his lap, her shoulders shaking with laughter.

God, this feels like a board meeting (and if that isn't an indication of their professionalism then Audrey will have to buy a dictionary and look up the words 'indication' and professionalism' because somebody is obviously wrong about what they mean.)

(Actually, no, she'll steal one of Hermione's dictionaries. Much more sensible.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wound up being short, but I didn't feel like padding it. Sorry.

  
As Ernie dashes into their train compartment, huffing and puffing, Harry hands him a bright purple envelope before going back to reading the Quibbler with Luna. Ginny smacks him in the arm.

"Oh, sorry. Hello, Ernie."

"'Lo, Harry," Ernie says absently as he opens the envelope (and by opens, she means he tears it apart like a passive aggressive hurricane.) "Very strange, this whole situation, isn't it-" he stops, takes his glasses off, rereads the letter, and puts his glasses back on. "This just says, 'Dear Ernie, you're a big nerd. Love Audrey.'"

(Ginny'd had a sneaking suspicion the message would be something like that. She had absolutely no idea where Audrey had gotten bright purple envelopes from, though.)

"Your owl's name is Miss Maggie Thatcher, you cannot think she wasn't going to make fun of you for that." Ginny frowns. "Aren't you supposed to be with the other Prefects?"

"Hannah is covering me. She'll let me review the meeting later in my Pensieve. Is that where the Minister is?"

Ginny meets Neville's eyes over the leaves of his Mimbletonia. "Uh, Ernie, you do know you can't call Hermione 'Minister' anymore, right?"

He blinks at her. "Oh. Right. Of course! My apologies, I'll try not to let it slip again." He pauses again, looks at Harry, looks back at her and Neville. "What happened to Harry?"

"Harry Potter is dead," Harry announces dramatically. "I am but the new transfer student, Larry. Larry Cotter." (In that moment, looking at Ernie's face, Ginny knows spending three hours shopping for a skin patch to match Harry's complexion so they could cover his scar had been worth it.)

 

* * *

 

  
Macmillan ducks by the Slytherin table as the students start taking their seats. "He named his owl Ledclog!"

Draco adopts Luna's I-Am-Above-Everything-Going-On-And-As-Such-Have-An-Amazing-Poker-Face expression. "Who? The new transfer student? Why should I care what his owl's name is?"  
Macmillan gives a little anguished shriek, flails his arms around in the air briefly, and runs off to the Hufflepuff table.

(God, he missed Ernie.)


	4. Chapter 4

"I think she's actually worse than I remembered," Ginny whines. (She fought in a war when she was sixbloodyteen, she's allowed to whine.) Neville rubs her back comfortingly and she melts into one of the big fluffy cushions Hermione had brought up with them so they didn't have to sit directly on the bathroom floor. "Bloody Umbridge. Oh, yeah, right there. Ugh, you're the best."

"Heshvashaaaaa."

Larry (Harry) squeaks. "Are you intentionally trying to be dirty?"

Luna shakes her head, bouncing on her tiptoes. "No. I said exactly what you did."

"You really, really didn't."

"What did she says?" Ron asks gleefully. Larry (Harry) rolls his eyes, leans over and whispers it in Ron's ear. Ron bursts out laughing and whispers it to Hermione, who goes scarlet.

"Parseltongue makes absolutely no sense linguistically! Why do they even have a word for that?"

"How should I know?" Larry (Harry) shrugs. "Luna, try it again, less 'v' in the middle."

"Hesheshaaaaaaaa."

Larry (Harry) grimaces. "Don't hold the 'aaaa' out so long."

"Hesheshaa."

"How! How do you keep cursing in Parseltongue!"

"What was it this time?" Larry (Harry) leans over and whispers it in Ron's ear. Ron makes a sound reminiscent of a deflating balloon and falls over onto the cushion.

There's a firm, pretentious knock at the door (none of them have figured out how he manages to make knocking on a door sound pretentious yet, but he does) and Ernie slips in. "My shift is over, ma'am."

Hermione smiles at him radiantly and drags a still-laughing-Ron off the floor. "Thank you, Ernie. I've told you, though, you don't need to call me ma'am."  


"Of course not, ma'am."  


She sighs (it's one of her exasperated affectionate sighs, though, that she usually gives to Ron and Luna and sometimes Teddy, and not the disappointed one she saves for news casters and the Winzengamot) and pulls a still-laughing-Ron out the door to patrol the hallways.  


"Try sizzling a bit at the end," Larry (Harry) suggests.  


Ginny rolls onto her back and grins at Ernie. "Hey."  


He smiles back and sits down on the cushion next to Neville. "Hello Ginny, Neville." He nods to where Larry (Harry) and Luna are arguing in front of the sink about pronunciation. "How is it going?"  


"Not well. Parseltongue is weird. It changes a bit with every person, Hermione said it was something about personal speech patterns and accent," Neville explains.  


"…where is Draco?"  
"He's in the Prefects bathroom with Myrtle. Parseltongue makes her uncomfortable after the whole dying thing."  


"Yes, well, I suppose that's understandable."  


"Hesheshhaaaah."  


There's a large, quite frankly ominous rumbling sound from the sinks.  


"Oh, wow, that smells awful," Ginny gags, turning away and covering her nose.  


"Hah! Let's see Umbridge try to get in now!"

 

* * *

 

  


"Hullo, Cedric."  


Cedric looks up from his book. "Hello, Larry. And you're Ginny Weasley, right?"  


Ginny smiles and perches herself on the table beside him, subtly cutting off his exit to the other side. "Good to meet you."  


"So, Cedric," Larry begins, "my mates and I have had this idea for a club…"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tenses may have gotten a little wonky. Sorry if it throws any of you.

  
Ministry of Magic is deceptive name, of the sort Audrey would like if it hadn't been created by arsewipes. It is, technically, the only Ministry of Magic. It is not, literally-physically-actually-at-all the only ministry of magic, mind-the-lowercase-thank-you-very-much. America's got the American Administration of Witchcraft, Canada and Australia the Joint Canadian-Australian (or Australian-Canadian, depending on who you ask and how sane they are) Magical Law Agency, Romania the Sfântul oaie există foc șopârle Societatea (which she only mentions because she likes saying the name). Everywhere else (including Romania, actually) speaks a different language, with none of them translating well enough for there to be a need for 'Britain' to be somewhere in the MoM's name. Children- particularly eleven year olds- don't notice the implications because they are, as stated, children, and children are dumb. They just assume that the short dopey man in the bowler hat runs the whole world.  


It's a bit of a minor thing, but it pisses her off, and it leads up to the purpose of this entire little mental rant, which is riding down the Invisi-Lift (trademark) with Percy into the Grŵp Rheoleiddio Dewiniaeth Cymru and feeling, as she rightfully should, awesome, because Wales is not England's bitch. (You know what, Audrey is actually super proud of that speech. She'll have to write that down.)

 

* * *

 

  
Percy is not going to cross his arms. It's bad etiquette and sends off an air of hostility and defensiveness. It doesn't matter that he's been de-aged, saw Fred alive again and is standing in Audrey's office looking at a much-younger, still-gorgeous Audrey while she rifles through her desk for an empty sheet of parchment (paper, he reminds himself) and he has absolutely no idea what to do with his hands; Percy Weasley does not cross his arms.  


Audrey starts humming the Macarena victoriously as she finds an old copy of the Quibbler to scrawl on. Percy crosses his arms.  


She glances up. "You shouldn't cross your arms you know, it makes you seem hostile."  


Percy uncrosses his arms.  


"Why is your office so big?" (Small talk, Percy is terrible at small talk, his small talk is a travesty to man (and woman, Ginny (plus Hermione, Audrey and Ernie) adds in his head) but he has no idea what else to say.)  


Audrey shrugs idly. "There's no reason for it to be small. Enlargement charms mean that actual space isn't an issue, and everyone having a decent workspace increases productivity." She caps her pen and shoves the Quibbler into a drawer. "Alright, done. Time to figure out how this thing works," she says, drawing the weakly spinning Time Turner out of her purse and dropping it on her desk.  


Percy nods. "Yes, I suppose it is."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the gap between updates. I was trying to be consistent with my release times, but some personal crap came up, and I've also been working on some other stories on the side, but I should be back on my game now. This particular chapter is a bit subplot-y, but I hope everyone enjoys it anyway. Thanks for reading, guys!

  
"Hi, Ginny!"  


Having Colin Creevey grinning at her feels like absolute validation of her being an incredible person, and Ginny is not going to protest. "Hey, Colin." She closes her book, keeping the page with her thumb, and shifts over in her armchair to give him room and he folds in next to him. (He's almost the same size he was at sixteen. Bigger, even, because Ginny is smaller in comparison. He's still as tactile too, but back then the arms over her shoulder and the knees knocked against hers had been a nuisance (She pushes down the stab of grief that rises in her chest.).)  


"Larry told me to tell you there's a DA officers meeting in the Hufflepuff Seventh Year Girl's Dorms tonight after dinner," he recites. "The Prophet made an offer on Daphne and Dean's article on-" he looks around and drops his voice to a whisper, even though literally every Gryffindor in fourth year and higher is in the DA anyway, "You-Know-Who's appearance."  


"Thanks, Colin. You know, Larry's really trusting you with a lot of responsibility lately," she comments idly (read: heavily emphasized and blatant to anyone not Colin).  


It works, and Colin brightens up like she dumped gasoline on a fire. "You think? Gee, I hope so!"  


"Definitely."  


(Okay, so Ginny might feel a bit guilty basking in his happiness now, but not enough to stop, y'know, enjoying it. So she does. For the next twenty minutes, as Colin rhapsodies about how Larry helped him with his Stunning spell last Tuesday.)

 

* * *

 

"You're standing on my foot."  


"Well maybe I wouldn't be if you would stay on your side!"  


"Well maybe you should stop staring at Astoria's arse all the time, but you aren't going to."  


"Shut up, Potter," Draco mutters, scooting to the side. "I missed what they said."  


Potter turns the knob on his Omnioculars. "He made a joke about lasagna."  


"… lasagna."  


"Mmhm. Cheese pun."  


"He seemed so much cooler when we were fourteen."  


"He's still cool."  


"… yeah, he's still cool."  


Potter grabs his arm. "She's going in." Draco (oh God, he just squeaked, didn't he) grunts. Masculinely.  


Cho lifts up in her tiptoes, wraps her arms around Cedric's neck-  


Zacharias Smith walks right in front of them and Draco has to throw a hand over Potter's mouth to keep him from shouting.  


Potter licks him.  


Draco steps on his foot again.

 

* * *

 

  
"Hullo Marietta," a dreamy, silvery voice says.  


Loony Lovegood is laying on Marietta's bed, her hair spread around her head like a hazy ring of clouds encircling a full moon. One hand drags through the air thoughtfully, in the way one might let sand fall through their fingers or brush through a woman's hair.  


Marietta huffs. "Cho and I've told you, stay out of our dorm."  


"The others don't mind."  


"Well, I mind," Marietta says, dropping her her book bag on the foot of her bed and crossing her arms. "What do you want?"  


Loony blinks up at her with eyes like Sickles. "I here to talk with you about your mother."

"What about my mother?" Marietta asks defensively. 

"I wanted to know if she's ever thought about journalism. We've got an opening at the Quibbler, you see."  



	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know what, screw it, I'll update when I feel like it.

"I wish we could kill the snake," Audrey says wistfully.  


Percy personally agrees. "We can't. As soon as he knows we're after horcruxes, he'll move the cup."  


"Fine," Audrey says. She leans back against the wall, quiet. Percy stares at her out of the corner of his eye. Even Disillusioned and in the faint light of the Ministry corridor, he can tell she's pursing her lips. She looks upset. "We should probably talk about this," she says at last.  


"Talk about what?" He asks quickly, trying to look like he isn't looking at her.  


"Don't play game with me, cockwad."  


"Okay."  


It's silent again. Awkwardly so.  


(Percy doesn't think about last night. Or about two weeks ago. Or about moments before they got blasted into the bloody past.)  


(Alright, he thinks about it.)  


"I really like you, Percy." Her voice is small. He feels awful, because she's upset and it's his fault and he doesn't know how to fix it. He doesn't want this to end up like Penny.  


(He doesn't think about Penny. About how after the war they drifted apart, because things had both gone a little wrong inside them and they didn't fit together anymore. They don't talk, now. Can't talk. Percy doesn't think about how she was the only girlfriend he's ever had, and obviously he's bad at dating if Penny and him can't be in the same room anymore.)  


"I like you as well," he says, and it is the most awkward, bulky, painful sentence he has ever constructed. He fights the urge to actually run away.  


Then, luckily, the snake finally comes down the bloody hallway so it can try and kill Percy's father and they don't have to talk anymore.

 

* * *

 

  
"So he actually forged a death warrant? I thought he'd just hexed some paperwork," Remus says in amazement.  


"No," Tonks says gleefully. "Harry Potter is legally dead."  


"D'you know something?" Sirius butts in, tipsily-and-not-drunkenly-thank-you-very-much. "I always thought he'd end up with that Ginny girl. Don't know why. Just seemed like a good match."  


"No, he's always been over the moon about Hermione. He was over the moon about Ron, too, if you look back on it, talked about him all the time," Remus muses.  


"Yeah. It's a bit weird, isn't it, but it must be nice, being in a relationship like that." Tonks says.  


They all stare into their drinks. Tension fills the air.  


"Do you want to have sex?" Sirius finally asks.  


"Oh, God yes." "I thought you'd never ask."


	8. Chapter 8

  
Dennis wakes up with a wand pressed into his throat and knees on either side of his face.  


He blinks and turns his head to the side. The curtains are pulled and he can't hear the sounds of his dorm mates breathing. Silencing charm, then. He looks up.  


Wow. That's one hell of a view.  
"All the trains in the town go swish bang crash," Parvati recites calmly, her hair falling around her face like a silky sheet of death.  


He stares at her and she looks at him expectantly for a minute before he remembers her stupid code she came up with after the Polyjuice Potion Incident of 2003. "All the girls on the floor go wee-woo wee-woo," he answers back.  


"Thank goodness." She climbs off his chest and sits cross legged next to him. In her nightgown. Oh, boy. "I had to wipe Dean and Alicia's memory after they didn't recognize me. By the way, I hate you and if you ever do that to me again I'll kill you."  


"Do what?" This is why he left the magic world. Bloody crazy, all of them.  


"We thought you were dead, along with everyone who was in the Department of Mysteries." She doesn't say their names. "You ran into a slowly oncoming shadow of apparent destruction for no apparent reason. Why?"  


"I thought I saw Colin."  


Parvati freezes. Her face goes dead. She doesn't breathe for twenty seconds. Dennis counts. "Colin is dead."  


"Not here. I've been here all evening. It's some kind of weird alternate universe. Hermione and the others are here too, apparently, I've asked Colin where they were. Apparently they just up and disappear sometimes and it's normal. He kept calling Harry 'Larry' for some reason, though. Oh, and Draco is nice now."  


"So- the Lavender in the girl's dorm is-"  


"Real? Yeah."  


"Oh, bloody shit."

 

* * *

  
After they untie Lavender and wipe her memory, Parvati flops down on her own bed and pulls a shard of mirror out of… somewhere.  


"What's that?"  
"One of the pieces of Sirius' mirror Harry obsessively keeps in his desk drawer that we aren't supposed to talk about." She hovers her wand above its surface and flashes the tip off and on in what looks like Morse code.  


"All of you are emotionally unstable," he tells her. She flips him off and goes back to flashing the mirror.  


Damn it, that is not what he meant.  


"We figured it would be as good a way as any to communicate once they sent me in." She sets the mirror down in her lap and pulls at the thin air behind her back. Instantly, a rope appears in her hands, tied around her waist, and he's looking at the the gorgeous creature that is the mature Parvati Patil, prosthetic arm and all, dressed in all black leather and looking like sex and death. Then it vanishes and she's once again a teenager in nothing but a nightie.  


No knickers, either, his brain ever-so-helpfully adds.  


"So you came all this way to come get me? I'm flattered."  


"Don't be," she shoots back. "I'm here for Minister. Also I dropped my favorite water bottle and it rolled in."  


He stares at her. "Oh, for fuck's sake."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not everything happens at the end of the year.


	9. Chapter 9

  
"Hey, Neville," Parvati says, sidling up to him in the hallway before Transfiguration class. "Can I talk to you in private for a second?" Beside him, Ginny is on her guard with her wand clutched faux-casually between her fingertips. There is something very wrong, from the way Parvati stands to the almost taunting delivery of the line, and it bears a striking resemblance to 'Gryffindor's Monster.'  


He turns and sends a silent question Minerva's way. She flaps her hands dismissively. (There is a shocking amount of things one can get away with when they're at the top of her class. In the original timeline Hermione could've skived off every single class and still passed.) He grabs Ginny's wrist. She looks at him questioningly. "I'll see you at lunch, okay?" She sighs, but relaxes and kisses him on the cheek before bouncing off, hair shining like fire. "What's up, Parvati?"  


"All the trains in the town go swish bang crash," she says quietly. Goddammit, nothing in his life can ever be simple, can it.  


"All the girls on the floor go wee-woo wee-woo."  


She smiles at him, predatory and victorious. 

"Did you miss me?"  


"Loads," he says, kissing her on the cheek. "We'll be back before class ends for the homework," he tells Minerva. She nods and launches into her lecture. The door swings closed. 

"Let's go for a walk, and I'll catch you up."  


"Sounds lovely. Dennis?" The shimmering piece of air beside the window that on first glance was merely a trick of the light resolves itself into Dennis Creevey. Neville raises an eyebrow. "Quid pro quo," she quips.

 

* * *

 

 

"That's the most hilarious story I've ever heard in my life," Parvati comments. "That's better than the toilet incident."  


"See, I'm telling you, none of you are emotionally stable. Therapy has done wonders for Susan, I don't know why the rest of you are so hesitant to try it," Dennis quips.  


"Tell someone who cares, like Ernie," she says dismissively. "So what's the Big Three and Luna doing in Ireland, exactly?"  


"I'm not entirely certain but it involves breaking into Gringotts to get the cup."  


Dennis stops walking. "Gringotts is in London."  


"Yeah, I know, but Ron and Luna came up with the plan because they're the only ones who can do Occlumency."  


Dennis mutters something unflattering about wizards.  


"You realize Padma will have to know now, right?" Parvati says as they walk back towards the school. "Magical twins and everything."  


"Well, we're not exactly able to, at the moment. There's some sort of Geis on us, keeping us from communicating the situation to others. Otherwise, there's no reason we would be keeping quiet about this. It'd only give us an advantage."  


Parvati stops walking. "Neville. Magical twins, remember? I don't have to tell her anything."

 

* * *

  
Alicia Spinnet. Angelina Johnson. Dean Thomas. Colin Creevey. Fred and George Weasley. Lee Jordan. Katie Bell. Lavender Brown. Seamus Finnigan. Anthony Goldstein. Cho Chang. Marietta Edgecomb. Michael Corner. Terry Boot. Hannah Abbott. Justin Finch-Fletchley. Susan Bones. Zachariah Smith (the git).  


Daphne Greengrass. Tracy Davis. Blaise Zabini. Theodore Nott. Gregory Goyle. Millicent Bulstrode.  


"All right, everybody," Draco says, once everyone has quieted down. "For anyone who doesn't know already, this is Padma. She's got something she wants to tell all of you."


	10. Chapter 10

  
The vision comes to Lord Voldemort unbidden. His greatest enemy, Harry Potter, alone and weakened, held in the Department of Mysteries by (his mouth waters a little when he sees her) Dolores Umbridge, his (sexy, hot, sexy, gorgeous, foxy mama) teacher sent to Hogwarts by the Ministry.

"We will find this so-called prophecy, Mr. Potter, and see that it doesn't cause any more troubles," she tells him.

"Mr. Cotter," he corrects.

"Hm. Crucio."

Potter falls to the floor in agony, and the vision, the peak into Potter's mind he has been cultivating for a year now, fades away.

Voldemort flutters his robes and goes to look for Lucius. Tonight, they will strike.

 

* * *

 

  
"So, yeah, idiot took the bait," Larry says, opening his eyes. The DA grins back at him. Oh, Hermione, you were totally right about him using some random person for the ritual instead of me, no baby!Mort." Hermione looks supremely smug as Neville hands her a Sickle. "But, uh, Neville was spot on. He totally got a boner from Umbridge." Neville preens as Hermione both roots around in her pockets for five Galleons.

"Well then," Luna says, leaning up against the door to the Hall of Prophecies. "I suppose it's time for everyone to read their instructions."

The sound of tearing envelopes fills the room, shortly followed by laughter. A lot of laughter.

 

* * *

 

  
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies..." Lord Voldemort leans forward in anticipation, a small giggle escapes from Hannah Abbot, and- "Fffffftttttttttttttt."

The giant fart rips from the Prophecy Orb, and the Dark Lord loses his grip on it, fumbles for a moment, then watched in horror as it smashes to the ground.

"NOW!" Ron commands.

"OBLIVIATE!" Each and every voice of the DA rings out, and the entire group of Death Eaters, Voldemort included, fall to the floor. Neville, seeing his opening, leaps down from his perch on top of the prophecy shelf and slices into the helpless neck (well, technically snakes are all neck, but whatever) of Nagini with the sword of Gryffindor. Looking up, he shoots, a wink at his girlfriends. Ginny pretends to swoon and Luna actually swoons. He feels even more badass than he did the first time.

Even with high expectations, Ron and Luna's plan really did exceed them. They can't completely kill Voldemort, not without killing Harry, still a Horcrux at the moment, because after all they got lucky the first time. So instead, they cut off all his backup Horcruxes and incapacitate him until Harry's natural time comes, upon which they'll draw straws on who gets to hack his head off with the swords.

Speaking of incapacitating…

"Hello," Harry addresses Voldemort cheerfully as he steps into the light.

"Who are you?" Voldy wonders in a strange, childlike voice. "Who am I?"

"Your name is Larry Cotter. I'm Harry, and I'm your best friend."

Larry Cotter smiles at Harry with pure joy. "You're Harry! You're my best friend!"

Harry pats Larry on the head and turns to Neville. "You're turn," he says, motioning to the prone Bellatrix Lestrange.

Neville feels a not-very-nice smile split across his face.

 

* * *

 

  
"Alright. Are you sure this will work?" Ernie asks for the umpteenth time.

"Ernie, shut your fucking mouth," Parvati says a little too lovingly.

Ernie gulps and shuts his mouth.

Ginny, Ron and Percy are busy saying goodbye to Fred, Parvati hasn't let go of Lavender's hand, Colin and Dennis are speaking in a language called, according to Luna, Klingon, and Harry and Sirius are hugging. It actually looks uncomfortably tight but Neville isn't going to say anything about it. He and Luna are ready to go, leaned up against the wall with his arm over her shoulder. Audrey and Hermione, next to them, are each impatiently tapping their right foot in sync.

"Guys. It's kinda time to go. We calculated our exit time according to the stars, remember? And we're almost past our window? Percy, back me up here."

"Uh… quite right." Percy quickly wipes a tear away from behind his glasses. "I suppose there's nothing else for it."

Eventually, with much prodding, they get everyone huddled together in front of the Veil, the chain of the Time Turner tight around all their necks even with the Enlargment Charm on it. With a wave goodbye, Harry turns the Time Turner and they (rather awkwardly) fall (okay, more like a shuffle) back into the Veil.

Then everything went gold and stretchy and the world tasted like jazz music and smelled like Luna Lovegood.

 

* * *

 

 

Audrey opens her eyes.

Audrey shuts her eyes and opens them again to make sure they're working right.

Audrey licks 'her' arm, just to be sure.

"Okay," she says to no one, her voice notably not Welsh-accented, "why the hell am I white? And ginger?"

"Hello?" Someone stumbles into the room (a nursery, she notes from the crib) in a swirl of creepily pale skin and black robes. "Audrey? Percy? Harry? Anyone?"

"It's me. It's Audrey. Who are… who are you?"

"It's Ernie!" Lord Voldemort insists.

Audrey's takes a deep breath and looks at the crib. Inside is a green eyed baby with messy black hair. "Harry?"

"'Ennis!" The baby chimes. "'Ennis!"

"Oh, we screwed up. We screwed up bad."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *idea for obliviation comes from tumblr!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
